A calm guide to choosing an engagement ring when you know very little about jewellery

Most of the people who contact me to commission a ring know almost nothing about jewellery. This is completely normal. They know their partner. They have a sense of what they are drawn to. They have a figure they are comfortable spending. They need someone to help translate that into an object.

This essay is for you if you are starting from scratch — if you are not sure what questions to ask, what decisions matter, or how to avoid the obvious mistakes. I will try to make this as calm and useful as possible.

Start with your partner, not the ring

Before you look at a single ring, spend some time thinking about your partner’s aesthetic. What do they wear? Is their daily style minimal and quiet, or more expressive? Do they gravitate toward warm tones or cool ones? Do they tend to avoid accessories entirely, or layer them?

You already know the answers to these questions — you simply have not been thinking about them in a jewellery context. The person who wears almost no jewellery and dresses in clean, simple lines is probably not the right match for a large, pavé-set statement piece. The person who loves ornament, who notices detail, who dresses with deliberateness — they may want something more considered and layered.

Neither answer is wrong. They just lead to different rings, and knowing which direction you are going in prevents a lot of expensive uncertainty later.

The ring size problem

Sizing is the first practical obstacle, and it causes more anxiety than it deserves. The short version: if you are buying as a surprise, estimate slightly large rather than slightly small. A ring that is too large can be worn with a temporary size adjuster on the night of the proposal; a ring that is too small cannot be got onto the finger at all, which is genuinely awkward at the moment you most want things to go smoothly.

The most reliable way to get the size is to borrow an existing ring from the correct finger for a few hours and have it measured by a goldsmith. In the absence of that, the average European ring size for a woman is approximately 16.5–17.5mm internal diameter. That is a wide range, but starting there is better than guessing arbitrarily.

Almost all rings can be resized one to two sizes in either direction without affecting structural integrity. This is not a disaster to plan around — it is a normal part of the process. For more detail, see The quiet science of the surprise proposal.

The stone decision: start here

The stone is typically 55–60% of the total cost of a ring, and it is the decision that determines almost everything else. Before you worry about setting style or metal, you need to know approximately what stone you are looking at.

The two main decisions are: shape and quality level.

Shape is largely an aesthetic call. Ovals and elongated cushions tend to flatter most finger types. Rounds are the universal choice — rarely wrong, never unexpected. Emerald cuts are the most elegant but require a cleaner stone quality than other shapes. I have written about this in detail in How to choose a stone shape that flatters the hand it will live on.

Quality level is where most buyers get lost in grading terminology. The simple version: prioritise cut above everything else. A well-cut diamond in a slightly lower colour and clarity grade will outperform a poorly cut diamond in a technically higher grade every time. Cut determines how much light the stone returns. Everything else is secondary.

Natural or lab-grown

This question comes up in almost every first conversation. The honest answer is that both are genuine options, and the right choice depends on your values rather than on quality. Lab-grown diamonds are chemically identical to natural diamonds and cost significantly less at current prices. Natural diamonds have geological origin and better secondary market behaviour.

I have written a full essay on this, which I recommend reading before you decide: Natural diamonds, lab-grown diamonds: what I recommend, and why.

The metal question

For an engagement ring worn daily, the relevant metals are 18ct yellow gold, 18ct white gold, and platinum. I do not work in 14ct — the alloy is softer and the difference in finish quality is visible at the level I produce at.

18ct white gold requires periodic rhodium plating (once every one to two years, a minor service) to maintain its bright white appearance. Platinum does not require this — it is naturally white — but it is heavier and costs more. Yellow gold requires nothing and looks exactly as it was indefinitely.

The choice is partly aesthetic and partly practical. If your partner is colour-agnostic and they want minimal maintenance, platinum is the correct call. If they prefer yellow gold — which is having a significant resurgence and suits warm complexions particularly well — there is no maintenance argument against it.

What to tell the designer

When you contact a designer, you do not need to arrive with a precise specification. You need:

A sense of your partner’s aesthetic. A budget range, not a precise number. A rough ring size or an acknowledgement that you will need to work that out. Some indication of timeline — is there a proposal date in mind?

Everything else — the stone selection, the design, the technical decisions — is what the designer is there to handle. Your job is to provide direction. Their job is to translate it.

For more on how the commission process works in practice, read A guide to commissioning bespoke. For an explanation of how pricing works at this level, see What you’re actually paying for in a €5,000 engagement ring.